Pale Eyes, Shared Pizza, and a Skilled Touch
by Diary
Summary: There's one memory, one memory of them long ago. Chris/Reid and Luke/Reid pairings. Complete. Edited slightly.


Disclaimer: I do not own As the World Turns.

* * *

"This doesn't mean anything," Reid warns, stilling Chris's hand as it tries to slip beneath Reid's scrubs.

Feeling his stomach twist bitterly, Chris nevertheless answers, keeping his voice causal, "I figured."

Luke and Reid broke up. It was mutual, which means Luke broke up with him but is trying to give Reid some dignity. Reid, for his part, refuses to talk to anyone about it.

He's free, though, and he didn't protest when Chris kissed him. Just put his fingers on Chris's temporal pulse and asked, "Want some company tonight, Doogie?"

Everything is telling Chris not to do this. In medical school, soon after they first met, he ended up punching Reid and calling him something that would make more than half the town hate him, even the ones who despise Reid. He chases after women he shouldn't, does things to hurt them, and usually, his parents end up cleaning up his messes.

Reid liked him once, might have even loved him, but right now, Reid is in a town severely lacking in out men, the man he does love has broken up with him, and Chris is convenient. Convenient for a one-night stand, convenient for a night of forgetting, just a warm body, a warm mouth, a night where he doesn't have to feel the coldness of the empty side of the bed.

Some part expects it to be fast and furious, but no, Reid is slow and methodical, repeatedly bringing Chris over the edge. At one point, he wonders about Reid and Luke, but that way is madness he knows. He doesn't want to think of what Reid did with Luke. He imagines 'I love you' made appearances, and that'll never happen with them.

There's one memory, one memory of them long ago.

He'd been watching Reid falling asleep, pale eyes blinking sporadically, fuzzy in the dim light, chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm, and he'd been lying propped on his elbow, unable to make himself either leave or lie down. He'd almost kissed Reid's slowly blinking eyes and said three words.

Fear had stopped him, and when Reid finally fell asleep, he'd left, found a girl at a bar, and gone to her place. He'd never told Reid, but he's always wondered if Reid knew anyways.

Reid was the same arrogant, tactless man in medical school he is now, but at some point, Chris managed to get him wrapped around his finger, just like Luke did. Reid would do almost anything for him, would accept all the words Chris had no right to say, he never brought up the punch and the slur until they met again Oakdale. And Chris was stupid and didn't deserve any of it.

When the last straw came, Reid told him, 'Thanks for the lesson, Doogie. I always thought monogamy, affection, and all that other crap was for the weak-willed, emotionally unstable idiots of the world, and I was right. I just wish I'd had it confirmed it without temporarily becoming one of them.'

Sighing, Chris lets the thoughts fall away, concentrating on the feel of skin against skin.

When it's over, the familiar fingers are against his temporal pulse as a ghost of a kiss touches his cheek. "Thank you, Christopher."

"Stay," he mutters. "Not expecting anything," he adds, quickly. "That'd be the way to disaster. You don't want to sleep in an empty bed, not ready to, and tonight, I'm sympathetic to that. You have toothbrush at Memorial. Don't expect breakfast."

Reid settles down, and Chris wonders if he should be glad or cursing himself for making the offer.

…

In the morning, Chris makes breakfast.

Reid doesn't comment as Chris waves for him to sit down.

"Listen," Chris says as they eat, "if you ever feel up for a repeat and I'm not seeing anyone, come over."

"You sure that's a good idea, Doogie?"

"This isn't med school, Oliver," he answers, wondering if just being honest could possibly work. He knows better. He screwed up too badly for Reid ever to trust him when it comes to Reid's emotional wellbeing. "We didn't work as boyfriends. That's not what I'm offering."

If he thought he could without losing the chance of Reid ever touching him again, he would. He'd take the risk, force himself to give it his all, try his best to make the right decisions.

"Thanks for the offer," is Reid's neutral response as he fixes another plate of food.

…

At work, they argue.

Reid questions whether the people who gave Chris a license to practise medicine were qualified themselves, and Chris gets H.R. to do another seminar on the importance of not emotionally distressing the families of terminally ill patients. His dad orders them to figure out the best way to help said patient together, threatening to suspend both of them if they don't.

They insult one another, Reid makes two nurses cry, and they do. The patient will still die too soon, too young, but she'll be comfortable, and her family will hopefully get the closure they need.

A week later, Reid shows up at his door. "We don't talk shop," he states.

"Good idea," Chris comments as he reaches over to slip his hands underneath, onto Reid's bare back.

…

It's too simple and hard at the same time.

Reid falls asleep on his couch after a fourteen-hour surgery, and Chris takes off his shoes and beeper, setting the latter on the coffee table, covers him with a sheet, and puts a glass of water on a coaster on the lamp table before turning off the lights.

Later, at the hospital, Reid pulls him aside. "You let me sleep on your couch."

"Okay," Chris says, his tone making it clear he finds this conversation utterly confusing. "If you wanted to sleep on a bed, you should have gone home and gotten in yours. I'm not dragging you to mine, no matter what miraculous surgery you managed to perform."

"I would have kicked you out."

"No, you wouldn't have," Chris answers, rolling his eyes. "Even when you hated me, you wouldn't have, because we both know what happens to sleep-deprived doctors who get behind the wheel. We both have an idea what would have happened to if you'd been wandering around on foot last night, namely, you would have gotten arrested or killed, and that'd be on me."

At this point, he realises Reid probably thought there might have been something else, deeper, behind this. There wasn't, but he wonders if he should take this as an opportunity. Ask Reid to get dinner with him, a drink, anything. Promise he'll try to be worthy if he could just have a chance. He's always trying to get second chances for the mistakes he made when he was younger, but sometimes, people aren't granted that.

He's lucky, because Allie occasionally has lunch with him and has slowly gotten to where she talks to him about things beyond medicine. Nothing really personal, yet, but he's happy to hear about her new dog and this jerk at the supermarket who overcharges her on ham. His father seems genuinely proud of him lately. There are still people he hasn't made things right with, but he's hoping with time, he'll be able to.

He's lucky, but he's not lucky enough to get this one.

After the breakup, Reid went out every night. One time, Chris followed him to some seedy gay bar, watched as Reid picked up a guy. Eventually, it stopped, and thank God, Reid was either careful or extremely lucky. It didn't mean the mark he'd made on Reid was gone.

Reid and Luke hated one another, but Luke's often a little ball of sunshine.

Chris has to wonder if their breakup was due to Reid having too many issues for Luke to deal with or Luke having too many issues and reminding Reid of the last time he got involved with an entitled, issue-riddled boy.

Part of being a better person means admitting what you are, he's heard and read. So, he's entitled, has issues with his parents, and he honestly doesn't know if he's bisexual or just happened to somehow fall in love with another man, but he is in love. He's spent too long running from it. Reid made a mark, too.

"Don't freak out, Oliver," he says. "I was just being a decent human being."

"Right," Reid says, and he relaxes.

A literal punch to the gut would have been less painful.

"Any plans tonight?"

"Reviewing several cases," he answers. "Shouldn't take more than an hour or two. Want to come over?"

"I'll be there," Reid says, patting his shoulder before leaving.

He does, and they end up watching TV and arguing over the characters.

Eventually, he says, "I know this is probably a weird time to bring this up, but medical school."

He can feel Reid tense, slightly.

"I once went home with a girl while we were together."

"I suspected," Reid answers, tonelessly. "I never asked."

"Why not?"

"Don't," Reid orders, and Chris can feel he's close to bolting.

"Look- I'd be an idiot to care what you think, but I'm sure Katie's told you about all the ways I screwed up. Laugh, insult me, whatever, but I'm trying to make things right. I'm sorry. I needed to tell you that, at least."

That causes a mirthless chuckle, but Reid looks over. "It's over. I've moved on, and I'm not going to be responsible for you self-inflicted guilt. But for what it's worth- I hope you succeed, Doogie. There were times I thought you had the potential to be great man. Your father is one, so the potential is ingrained in your DNA."

"Thanks," he says.

Reid reaches over and kisses him, and Chris has to remember to breathe, feeling his whole body respond. He could swear he can feel nerves running under his skin, blood pushing against his pulse, the air going through his pores.

…

It's not a relationship, as Reid often reminds him when their not-relationship progresses further.

"Which of us are you trying to drive the point home to," Chris snaps one night in annoyance. "I've- I'm not seeing anyone. Let's face it, part of my problem in the past was that I was always trying to be in a relationship. This is sex and you eating my food and occasionally crashing on my couch. Do you want more?"

"I want to make sure you understand that I won't take your crap anymore."

"I don't doubt it," he promises, no longer in the mood. "When I disagree with you at the hospital, I'm going to make that known. When I disagree with you on character motivations and love triangles, I'll defend my position to the death if I need to, okay?" That causes a chuckle, and he feels his heart beat faster at the sound. "But you don't have to fulfil any boyfriend duties toward me."

"Got it."

There's an awkward silence, both lying on the bed, not touching, and just as Chris is about to get up and go to the bathroom or to get a drink or something, Reid says, "Luke broke up with me. Which everyone knows, I know. But I told him I loved him, I told him I wanted everything. I was willing to give up the neurology wing for him, I gave up my practise in Dallas for him. All that, and he says that it seems like some part of me is just waiting for the relationship to end. So, he was going to save us both the time, because he learned from Noah that relationships can't always be fixed. There wasn't a problem, but if there was, he didn't even try."

He sighs and looks up at the ceiling. As much as he wants a second chance, as much as he wishes he hadn't screwed up the first time, some part of him also wishes Luke had found Reid first.

"You can't kick me out of my own bed," he says, quietly. "If you don't like what I have to say, leave."

"Okay," Reid agrees.

"You were hurt. Neither of us wants to admit it, but I hurt you. I screwed you up even more than you already where. You're willing to fight for Luke, no one's denying that, but when you- After you tried to give the neurology wing up and you thought he and Noah were back together, you were ready to leave without talking to him. Outsider's perspective, but whenever he does something for you, it looks like you're trying to puzzle out why, and if you can, you attribute it to something other than the fact that he's your boyfriend and in love with you."

"The Judd case, he did that for Noah. My whole presence was due to Noah."

"Noah Mayer is in L.A."

"Doesn't matter," Reid answers. "I know who I am, and I know who he and Noah are. Even if it's not Noah, someday, he's going to find the partner of his dreams. I'm not Prince Charming or the boy next door. He's sort of like you, he can't stand to be alone."

"He has been."

"It won't last; hopefully, this time, he'll find the right one," Reid answers, the bitterness and pain in his voice making Chris flinch.

"Did you ever tell him about me?"

"I keep my word, Christopher."

"I know you never told him it was me, but did you ever tell me him about this jackass in med school that you got involved with?"

"No."

"Maybe, he could understand," Chris says, almost choking on the words.

Reid is in his bed, and he wants so much more. He's not a relationship counsellor, and he doesn't want Luke and Reid back together, so sickeningly in love. He doesn't want to have to be confronted with that every day.

Tough, he tells himself. Reid will never be his, and he can be the good guy or the bad in this. There's no neutral. If he doesn't say anything, the reason he isn't is because he hopes he might get a chance out of it.

Reid rolls over and kisses him on the chest. "I accept your apology," he murmurs.

Chris isn't sure he heard correctly, but even if he didn't, his body relaxes, a rush of relief coursing through him.

"I never thought people could change, but after everything that's happened, it seems I was wrong on all accounts."

"I'm not there yet, and you still make nurses cry."

"More than you realise," Reid answers, fingers finding his temporal pulse. "Tell me you're sorry."

"I am," he answers, feeling his pulse against Reid's fingers. "I'm sorry for a lot of things, including all the things I did to you."

"Not all," Reid says, his voice soft and husky.

"No, not all," he agrees, taking a shallow breath. "I don't regret getting involved with you, but I regret the way I treated you, even after we did. It wasn't classroom disagreements. I made it personal, struck below the belt."

"Pulse is consistent," Reid tells him, briefly stroking it before trailing his fingers down. "Just because you know the theory, it does mean you can control that without medication."

"Thanks."

They fall asleep, Reid half on his chest.

…

His mother talks about setting him up, and he tells his parents that he hasn't fully gotten his life together yet and wants to focus on that first and foremost.

Later, his dad surprises him by hugging him, and a knot forms in his throat when he feels a gentle kiss on his forehead. "I'm proud of you, Christopher," his dad says, looking at him with soft eyes. "I know you never agreed, but I've always felt a person should know and love themselves before getting intimately involved with someone else."

"I'm starting to understand," he says, feeling a mixture of joy and guilt. "I'm just not quite there yet."

"You will," and for once, his dad seems to actually believe it. "And I want you to know that everyone needs help sometimes. I understand you feel the need to do this on your own, but if your mother and I can help, I want you to come to us."

"I promise," he answers.

"Good. Now," his dad says, changing the subject, "you and Reid seem to be getting along better outside of medicine."

"We're getting there," he answers. "He and I had personal issues at school, but- Time changes," he says. "Since he and Luke broke up, he's been coming over some, mainly because I let him watch HBO and have beer in the fridge; we argue about fictional characters."

Laughing, his dad says, "I'm glad. I know he can be a handful, but he has a chance at fully becoming part of the community. He and Luke have been through a lot, but some part of me hopes."

"That they'll get back together?"

"Yes," his father says, giving him a careful look. "I admit I'm still the product of my time in some instances, but seeing people in love has always renewed my faith in the good inherent in people. Colour, religion, and even gender doesn't matter if two people can complement one another and build a life together as a family. That's why it's so important a person be secure in themselves, so that they can be secure in another person loving them. Neither Reid and Luke were there, but as I said, I hope."

"Well, our semi-truce doesn't extend to me playing matchmaker, but I promise I won't discourage either of them if it looks like they're starting to reconnect."

That earns him another hug.

…

He sees Reid and Luke laughing together and feels a million different urges.

He takes a breath and reminds himself that he's not going to screw up and make excuses anymore. If his not-relationship with Reid is over, he's going to keep trying to make things right, and he's going to go through the long, slow, painful process of finally getting over Reid before he gets involved with someone else. He and Allie have gone out for friendly drinks, and she's started to treat him as an actual friend. Emily still hates him, but he thinks he's finally begun to convince her that he's not to going to cause her or Allie anymore harm.

After Luke leaves, he pulls Reid aside. "Plans cancelled?"

"Is that a question or a statement?"

"I saw you and Luke together," he says. "Does that mean I need to delete some of the shows from my DVR?"

"No," Reid answers. "If you're still free, so am I, Doogie."

"See you later, then, Oliver."

"Looking forward to it."

He isn't sure if the statement, uttered with no sarcasm, hurts or not.

…

The signs are there.

Luke starts appearing more and more. There's more laughter and smiling Reid Oliver running around. The number of crying nurses decreases.

Surprisingly, what hurts the most isn't the way Reid looks at Luke. Of course, Chris knew Reid loved Luke. He'd forgotten, though, how obvious it is Luke loves Reid.

Because, if Luke didn't love Reid, Chris just might have a chance.

One night, Reid says, "Medical school. The girl. I never asked because I lost who I was. I thought you were the most important person in my life. If I asked and you told the truth, I didn't see a way I could justify staying. That should have been my clue right there. Don't stay you're sorry. I'm not after that. You asked, and I'm telling you."

"Does Luke want you to change?"

"He wants me to be a better version of myself, and I want that, too."

"But?"

Reid kisses him, and Chris knows the but is _He doesn't want me._

He tries not to feel guilty for not answering the unspoken, untrue belief.

…

Reid saves a little kid's life, and Luke hugs him, murmuring how proud he is, how amazing Reid is, and Chris and everyone else sees the tension and how they come so, so close to kissing. A betting pool is started, and he's tempted to join, knowing he has a good chance of winning a significant amount of money.

Then, he finds himself propped up on his elbow, watching Reid fall asleep, pale eyes blinking sporadically, fuzzy in the dim light, chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. He has the almost overwhelming urge to kiss Reid's slowly blinking eyes and utter three words. To do that and ask him to please, please, give Chris a chance; that he wasn't ready back then, but he's a better man and that he understands how wrong he was and has no intention of doing it again.

Instead, he waits until Reid is asleep, goes to the bathroom, and comes back, slipping under the covers.

..

The next day, Reid says, "Doctor Hughes, a moment of your time?"

They go to the empty lounge and close the door.

"Luke and I are going to give things another try," Reid says, uncomfortably. "I told him I've been casually seeing someone, and he was fine with it, wants to take it slow, but- I want everything."

"Okay," Chris says, a slight sigh escaping. "Don't screw things up this time, Oliver." Walking over, he holds up his hands. "One last time, okay?"

Reid nods, and Chris kisses him, long and slow. When they break apart, Reid's fingers come up to his temporal pulse, resting there for a moment. "Goodbye, Christopher."

Nodding, he leaves before the tears can form. He signs out for the day, claiming a bad case of allergies.

…

"Oliver," he says, the next day, "we need to talk about you prescribing my patient…"

They argue, they're threatened with suspension, and finally, they work out a compromise neither is happy with. "Don't know how you handle your jackass of a boyfriend," he crossly informs Luke when the other man appears to take Reid on their date.

"I'm lucky to have him," Luke says, earnestly, kissing Reid on the cheek and looking at him with hearts and stars in his eyes.

"Right answer," he says, softly, patting Luke on the shoulder. Ignoring both their looks of puzzlement, he says, "See you tomorrow, Reid."

He goes to have dinner with his parents, goes home, and falls asleep on a cold bed. When he wakes up from dreams of a pale eyes, shared pizza, and a skilled touch, he takes a steadying breath and mutters, "Day One, Chris Hughes."


End file.
